Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
