who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
