the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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