I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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