I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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