Your tits are I can't wait for
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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