Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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