there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
