I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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