i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
