Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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