____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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