It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
