Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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