Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
