i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
