oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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