My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
