3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
