Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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