my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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