i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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