I got chris browned last night
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
