I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we made out on top of his cat.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
