The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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