There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"