We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If its not for food we ain't going out.