he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
