I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
