It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
