The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
