Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
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she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
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The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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