my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
