My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
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I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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