I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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