i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
