Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
