Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
