He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
