Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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