can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
