Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I came so hard my ears popped.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
