it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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