Already got asked if we're dating
Where is the hickey?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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