i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
