i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
