my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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