first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
