Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
