I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So many bounce houses so little time
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
