tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
