I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
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he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I supernannyed him into submission
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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