But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
