HIV tests are more positive than that guy
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The best revenge is premature balding
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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