At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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