I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
